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You are what you gesture
Sitting in a circle, the group of 8 managers fixed their gaze on the woman in the middle. As they listened to her presentation of a report they had commissioned, almost all of them, like monkeys mimicking each other, rested their closed hand with the index finger pointing upwards on the side of their face - a gesture indicating they were evaluating the report with engrossed interest.
Halfway through the meeting she mentioned an additional unanticipated expense, totalling several hundred pounds. Immediately, one manager shifted; now his thumb was supporting his chin and he crossed his right leg on the left. This body-language shift mirrored a change of heart: the supporting thumb suggested critical evaluation, the crossed legs a defensive attitude. Soon after, in fact, he argued that the expense was unnecessary.
Because even before he spoke his gestures revealed his thoughts. As a writer I always watch out for gestures, as these offer a telltale glimpse into what the person sitting across the table is thinking.
Gestures are to writers what microscopes are to zoologists studying insects, or what telescopes are to astronomists. According to behaviour scientists, during face-to-face conversations, 5% of our message is verbal, 38% vocal (including tone of voice), while 55% is non-verbal - through gestures that is. One researcher went as far as to say that we speak to hide what's on our minds. But gestures cannot lie.
Whether you're writing fiction or assessing someone's personality during interviews, a working-knowledge on gesture-interpretation does to your writing what fertilizer does to a bed of roses. And by showing gestures, you'd be upholding the writing maxim 'show don't tell.'
Here is a finger-tip guide to the main gestures and their meaning.
Palm, hand and arm gestures: An open palm facing upwards or away from the body indicates honesty and openness, as used by footballers and my cat. Every time footballers trip an opponent, they raise their hands, with open palms facing the referee as if to say, 'I didn't touch him.' When I walk into my bedroom, my cat jumps on the bed, rolls on its back and stretches out its front feet. Like the human animal, she's telling me, 'I want to play and mean no harm, look I'm even exposing my chest and stomach.' By contrast, when the palm turns towards the body or faces downwards, it's a sign of reasserting or assuming authority.
Doing it while asking your son to make you a coffee becomes an order rather than simply a request. But if you ask a work colleague to lend you a report while your palm faces the floor
he'll frown at your arrogance. And if you combine it with a pointing fore-finger, he will feel intimidated, as the pointed finger symbolises a stick beating him into submission. Many fights break out after someone jabs the air with a pointed finger at another person.
During handshakes the palm-up or palm-down positions also carry the same meaning. When one person grips the other person's hand with his hand on top, palm facing downwards, he is signalling his intention to dominate. And vice versa. But if both palms remain in a vertical position, both persons are putting each other on equal footing. Ever met someone who squashes your fingers? That's the 'tough man's' handshake. The politicians' handshake takes another form: he wraps your hand between his hands to give the impression of a warm and trustful personality. Beware of people who shake your hand in this way.
Recently, after an official dinner, a politician rose to mouth a few words. All throughout, he formed a steeple by holding his palms together, as if praying. Steepled hands are a sign of confidence and superiority. Two variations exist: the raised steeple held close to a person's face when that person is talking; and the low version, with the hands resting on a desk or between the legs when sitting on a bare chair, held when the person is listening. Politicians, lawyers and teachers characteristically flash the steeple.
Another gesture that signals a confident and superior attitude is when someone cups both hands together behind his head. If you walk into your boss' office and he leans back in his chair and lifts both hands behind his head, he's telling you, 'I'm smarter than you, I have all the answers.'
But when someone is nervous and frustrated he clenches both hands together and wraps his fingers on each other. You may unconsciously do this when the 10th publisher rejects your novel, now a mass of loose papers. Meanwhile, when you reach the end of your line, and you haven't paid your mortgage for the past three months, you may stick your fingers in your mouth in a fit of distress. But if, 2 months later, a letter lands in your postbox from the 11th publisher saying he will publish your work, you rub your hands together, already picturing your book in print.
Then, 10 years and 5 novels later and with your confidence soaring, you may take a stroll in Hyde Park with your hands clutching each other behind your back - a classical superiority-confidence gesture. (By contrast if one hand is gripping the arm or elbow behind one's back, that's frustration and an attempt at self-control). Other superior gestures are thumb displays. Whether the thumb is hanging out of a pocket or standing out as your hands grip the opening of your coat, you're saying, 'Look at me, I know it all.'
Hand to face gestures: A friend was talking about her uncle's business in Australia. As she recounted how he generated millions, she lightly rubbed her nose with her fore-finger. That indicated she was exaggerating. In children this gesture is more obvious, covering their mouth with one hand to block the lie; the nose-touch version by adults is more refined.
"Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil," Allan Pease, in his book Body Language, captioned the hand-to-face gestures that are an attempt to block deceit.
My friend, besides rubbing her nose, also rubbed her eyes, which is an attempt by the brain to avoid looking into my eyes when lying. Another gesture having the same meaning is the ear rub, the hear-no-evil gesture. Note that these gestures are used both to block what another person is saying or what the person doing the gestures is saying.
Once, at a party, a freelance journalist was complaining about a demanding editor who commissioned him then rejected his feature. He scorned her unfair refusal to publish his piece. "I know what you mean," another journalist agreed, scratching his neck below his ear. Spotted the neck-scratch? It's a signal of doubt, which said, 'I don't agree with you.' Later I
asked him whether he really thought the editor was unfair. "Not at all," he said. "I saw that feature and it was not well-researched. But I didn't want to spit it out in his face that he is an incompetent writer."
Everyone recognises the boredom gesture and you may even remember it from your schooldays, when your hand supported your face on the desk as you strained to keep your eyelids open. But don't confuse it with the interested evaluation gesture, when a closed hand with the index finger pointing upwards rests beneath the cheek. Notice this in a meeting when someone springs an interesting idea. If the idea is a bit far-fetched, however,
observe the listeners shift their thumb underneath their chin, showing critical evaluation. Then, when the chairperson asks for comments on the idea, most members will start stroking their chin with their fore-finger and thumb, indicating they are making a decision.
Arm and leg barricades: We cross our arms and legs to shield our body in hostile situations. In demonstrations the police stand in a line with their arms crossed, clenching their fists beneath their armpits. Crossing arms is a defensive stance adopted by people when surrounded by strangers who are too close for comfort, such as in queues, trains and elevators. Next time you are waiting for the tube in London at 11.00 p.m., watch the people around you, and if you spot a woman on her own, she is likely to be sitting down with her chin turned down and her arms and legs crossed.
We use anything at hand as a shield, and not only when we face a tight corner, but also when we are unsure of ourselves - in parties or public places for example. In a party someone who's just been introduced to a group of strangers may play with the cuff of his shirt, forming an arm barrier. Then, as that person begins to relax, his hands will drop to his sides and he lifts his head, showing that he now feels comfortable. A lady walking down the street may hold her purse to her chest, forming a partial barrier. When I walk into a crowded pub, I scratch my neck in an unconscious move to form a barrier with my hand.
At work, each time we start discussing a controversial issue like, say, drugs, my colleagues push back their chairs and cross their legs. The same crossed-legs posture is evident in TV chat shows, as arguments develop and fly across the room. The leg-cross symbolises an argumentative and competitive attitude (as well as defensive, depending on the situation). Another version of the leg-cross is the figure 4, adopted when seated and the ankle rests on the other knee. This ankle-on-knee posture points to a stubborn personality, especially if the
person also clamps both hands on the shin of his raised leg.
Another barrier is the back of a chair. Dominant individuals straddle the back of the chair to control the group of people sitting around them. Windows to the heart and mind: We have all struggled to describe changes in a person's eyes when writing fiction and profiles. The eyes bare all, we are told over and over. In tests conducted on professional card players, the professionals won fewer games when their opponents wore dark glasses. The reason: they could not observe the opponent's eyes, which clue them about his next move.
When two people gaze into each other's eyes for more than two-thirds of the time they face each other, it means one of two things: they're either interested in each other, or one of them is hostile to the other and the gaze is a non-verbal challenge. In fact, if you stare at a strange dog for a long time, he/she will feel threatened and attacks you or retreats. We react in the same way.
In face-to-face encounters we look at each other in one of 4 ways: the business gaze, social gaze, intimate gaze and sideways glance. When hammering out a business deal, people unconsciously fix their gaze to the area covering the eyes and forehead. If, after the deal, they meet at a party and stop for a chat, they adopt the social gaze, letting their eyes wander in an imaginary triangle whose three points are the eyes and the mouth. In an intimate gaze, the triangle is stretched down to cover the area from the eyes all the way down to the chest or crotch. But perhaps it's the sideways glance which is the most telling, signalling either interest or hostility. If the sideways glance is coupled with arched eyebrows, it shows interest; if the eyebrows are knitted together and turned down, as are the sides of the mouth, a suspicious and critical attitude is lurking in the person's head.
The way we hold our head, too, offers another clue to a negative or positive attitude. If you're talking to someone and the plane of his face is vertical, his attitude is neutral, having no strong opinion about what you're saying. Halfway through the conversation he may tilt his head to one side, indicating a growing interest (women tilt their head when they are attracted towards a man they're talking to). But if his head hinges downwards, pointing to the floor at 45 degrees, he is critical and judgemental.
To decipher gestures correctly, put each gesture in context. It's easy to jump to conclusions. If someone is standing outside with his hands and arms crossed, the reason may
be because he is cold not defensive. Don't look at isolated gestures. Gestures often occur in clusters, one following the other, each one reinforcing a particular attitude. Sceptics sometimes claim that they, for example, cross their arms and legs for comfort not defence or to argue. But if they observe themselves closely, they would be surprised to discover that their gestures are a carbon copy of their feelings, as described above.
When I was a toddler, I used to watch my dad crossing his legs and try to copy him, but the position felt so uncomfortable that I did not bother. Now, each time I start debating, I cross
my legs with ease, without a conscious effort even. The other week, as I was brooding on this article, I noticed how, when someone said something I disagreed with, I crossed one foot on the other before I opened my mouth to argue. And now, as I write, I often stop and take a couple of drags from a cigarette burning in the ashtray. I do so to stall for time and rethink
what I have written (I'll talk about gestures using cigarettes next month).
To learn to decode gestures, the key is to watch yourself first, to spot the link between your gestures and your thoughts. Then start observing others, looking for the motive behind the gestures.
Meanwhile, even before you read this, chances are that you already interpret people's gestures without consciously knowing it. It's what we call 'gut feeling'. You may meet someone and think, 'I'll never trust this guy.' Why not? Because his gestures sparked your suspicions. But as writers, to breath life into gestures on the page, we have to consciously analyse them.
Our gestures illustrate that underneath our skins we still carry the mannerisms of our ancestors, the apes and other animals. Just like a bird fluffs his feathers to impress a female or appear large when another male intrudes in his territory, we rest our hands on our hips for the same reasons. And when someone tucks his thumbs in the pockets of his pants, the hands on the upper thighs draw attention to the genital area, signalling a sexually aggressive person.
Well, you've come to the last paragraph. Your wife is leaning forward in a chair, her hands resting on her knees. Then she starts tapping her fingers on her knee. You look at your watch, it's 8.00 p.m. and you had to be at a friend's house at 8.15 p.m. Her fingers are tapping faster now. I would better not keep you any longer ....
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Clicking their cameras every 5 minutes as they tour the streets of Europe, Japanese are a funny lot, right? At the sex museum in Amsterdam I watched a young Jap woman pose in front of a phallus as large as her and smile at her friend snapping pictures. But nothing beats their territorial-dance when they mingle with Europeans at parties or receptions, even in business discussions. Speeded-up films of a Jap and a European talking show the European hopping backwards while the Jap steps after him, in wide arcs around the room.
The territorial-dance illustrates the difference in territorial spaces between the Japs and Europeans. While the Japs shift towards the person to their comfortable social distance, we feel they are too close for comfort and move backwards.
Like animals we stake and guard our territory, a layer of air around us we allow only those intimate to us invade - like lovers, close relatives and friends - but definitely not a Jap we're doing business with. If someone you've just met puts his arm around your shoulders you feel threatened and hostile.
Allan Pease, in his book Body language, classifies the territorial layers in 4 distinct zones. (1) Intimate Space. Stretching from 15 to 46 centimetres, we only allow those emotionally close to us to step into this zone. Under 15 centimetres physical contact occurs. (2) Personal Space. In parties and social congregations we stay within 46 centimetres to 1.22 metres away from acquaintances or work colleagues. (3) Social Space. Spanning from 1.22 metres to 3.6 metres this is the distance we stand away from strangers when we're waiting for the train or bus. (4) Public Space. When we're talking to a crowd of strangers, our comfortable distance is over 3.6 metres.
Territorial zones are related to population density. People living in rural areas have larger zones. This is evident in the fact that they prefer to wave at each other rather than shake hands. Once, on approaching a farmer on his land, my colleague extended his hand to shake the farmer's hand, a move that aroused the farmer's suspicion because his personal territory was invaded. On the other hand, when city people shake hands, our hands meet at around 46 cm from our body, at the periphery of our intimate zone.
Stepping into someone's intimate space signals a non-verbal threat, triggering physiological body changes that prepare the body for fight or flight. Police interrogating suspects invade their territory to break down their resistance. Seating the suspect on a bare chair in the middle of the room, the police move around him and break into his intimate zone.
There are occasions, however, when we tolerate strangers stepping into our intimate and personal zones, such as in buses or trains, concerts, cinemas and lifts. Yet, for these occasions we have developed an unwritten set of rules: you don't speak to anyone, including someone you know; you avoid eye contact; you open a book or newspaper to hold it as a body barrier and you stifle any emotions from creeping on your facial expressions. And if you're in a lift you're likely to stare at the floor numbers lighting on and off. Observe these rules somewhere where the crowds are thick, as in the London tube at rush hour.
Like many body gestures, territorial zones are culturally influenced. Which explains the Japs-Europeans' territorial-dance. Many Europeans who meet Japanese dismiss them as 'pushy', while the Japs think we're 'cold.' But before you jump to such conclusions, consider cultural differences in territorial distances.
Moving into the intimate territory of someone of the opposite sex is a sexual advance, and if the other person reacts by shifting backwards, he/she has rejected the hint.
While driving a car our territory inflates to a couple of metres ahead and behind the car. If someone invades that territory, we react in the same way as if he/she encroached into our personal territory. If another motorist, for example, cuts in front of you on the road you may curse him with seething anger even when no risk of collision is involved.
We use gestures to indicate ownership of our possessions and mark the boundaries of territorial possessions such as a house. Our home and car are, perhaps, 2 of our most important possessions. We stake ownership of these, and mark their boundaries, by leaning on a fence, standing in the doorway or putting our foot on the bumper of our car. When you hold your lover's hand when walking down the street you're saying, "He/she is mine."
Certain places we use become our extended territory, even if we don't own them. At work you may mark and reserve your desk by leaving your case and coat on it, or placing your legs
on the desk or hooking your leg on the arm of the chair. Other sub-territories are, say, our favourite chair on the dinner table or our chair in the conference hall. I remember my dad used to mark his favourite spot at the head of the table by putting his glasses and purse there, and leaving a pair of slippers under his chair. He used to guard this spot at all times and ask anyone who sits there to move to another chair.
The body points where the mind wants to go: Recently I was in a pub with another 3 mates, standing in a circle by the counter sipping beer and chatting. Rachel, a friend of mine, walked in and joined us. After a while I noticed something strange: we were still talking and facing each other as a group but all my friends pointed one foot at her. Their foot pointed to where their interest laid - Rachel. Another variation to the foot-pointer occurs when someone is sitting down, crosses his legs and points them to the person he is interested in.
Because the body or the foot or the knee point to what the mind is interested in, or where the mind wants to go.
If you walk into a pub and join two friends having a conversation, they'll do one of 2 things, depending on whether they would like you to join the conversation or not. If they twist their body to point towards you at an angle of 45 degrees, they are embracing you into the conversation as all 3 of you now form a triangle. But if their body continues to point at each other, even though their face may look at you, they are excluding you from their interest, or they may be too engrossed in each other to open up to you.
Also, you may bump into a friend on the way to work and stop for a chit-chat. But you're already half an hour late. As you talk your body points the way you are heading rather than twists to point at your friend - an indication that you want to go on your way as quickly as you can courteously get rid of your friend. Likewise if you're having a conversation at a pub and your friend's body turns to point at the door, it means he wants to leave.
During light social conversations, two people hold their bodies at an angle of 45 degrees to each other - in other words their body points to an imaginary point 45 degrees to the right or left of the person they are talking to. This may be the stance you hold when you meet another writer and make small talk. If, then, he starts talking about publishers' reluctance to publish fiction by talented but unknown writers, a subject you feel strongly about, you may shift your body to point at his', indicating your growing interest in him. Soon, you may copy his gestures - if he rests his elbow on the table you do the same - signalling that you agree with him. Often, employees copy their boss' gestures in meetings to indicate agreement and gain acceptance.
Courtship and come-on gestures: When I met my girlfriend, she introduced me to one of her close friends. "You'll like him," she said. But within half an hour I had decided he is arrogant and trivial. Then I discovered that many other men judged him in the same way. Yet women like him. Why? Because when he spots a woman he displays courtship gestures, hence women describe him as "sexy" and "warm" - while men see him as a competitor out to get their girlfriend and wife.
But all of us, when meeting a member of the opposite sex, send courtship gestures. Some of these are common to both sexes, such as the physiological reactions that take place: bags around the eyes shrink, a drooping body straightens, the chest protrudes and stomach shrinks, and we look more youthful.
Then we may start preening. Men smooth their hair, arrange their clothing, straighten their tie and indulge in general grooming. They gaze at the woman using the intimate gaze (remember it from last month?) and when their eyes bump they lock their gaze for a moment longer than usual. To attract attention to their crotch men spread their legs or tuck their thumbs in the pockets of their trousers. To look bigger they put their hands on the hips.
But when it comes to courtship gestures women may well laugh at men's crude attempts - they use more gestures and in more subtle ways. Like men they preen, use the hands-on-hips and the thumbs-tucked-in-pockets gestures. Approaching an attractive male they strut, rolling their hips from side to side. If they sit down, they toss their head, expose their wrists (women who smoke especially do this by holding up their hand with the wrist pointing towards the man) and, tucking one foot under their bottom, point their knee towards the man they are interested in (this deliberately exposes a glimpse of the thighs). Another courtship gesture is when a woman crosses her legs but, rather than keeping them in the standard leg-cross, pushes her calves together, twining her legs. This gesture is popular among Italian women during TV chat shows. If the woman then strokes her thighs, she's indicating her desire to be touched.
Women also flash many, as dubbed by Desmond Morris, self-mimicry gestures. They may hold their mouth slightly open in a vaginal resemblance. If they have lipstick on, this resemblance is amplified - by reddening the lips, lipstick mimics a flushed vagina when aroused. If a woman throws a sideways glance at a man over a raised shoulder, the shoulder's curvature resembles her chest. Fondling a cylindrical object like a pen or a cigarette suggests .... well, you should guess that. Sometimes a woman may thrust the heel of her high-heels back and forth by moving her toes - once again a self-mimicry that suggests the thrusting action during intercourse.
Women use many of these gestures as bait to lure an attractive man. Imagine their frustration when a lot of men fail to recognise these hints planned and executed so carefully. What women do not realise is that they are more aware of, and interpret, gestures better than men.
Gestures with cigarettes, pipes and glasses: If you are a smoker waiting behind the queue for a career-leap interview you may chain-smoke to soothe your tension (non-smokers may use other nervous gestures discussed last month). Smoking reveals inner turmoil and conflict; many researchers believe it has little to do with nicotine addiction.
We smoke to stall for time when making a decision. Going through the ritual of pulling a cigarette, tapping it on the table, lighting it and drawing a couple of drags gives us a chance to stall and think. Or else we could be nervous and a cigarette is an excuse to draw away our attention. I often do this when I'm nervous during a face-to-face encounter; smoking provides an opportunity to divert my attention from the person making me nervous. In the case of pipe-smokers, cleaning the pipe gives them more time to stall than cigarette smokers. The same principles apply for people who wear glasses and are constantly rubbing the lenses or putting the glasses into their mouth.
Smoking also gives away another shred of personality. If the smoker blows the smoke upwards, he is confident and positive; if he exhales downwards, he is negative, secretive or suspicious. Cigar smokers are usually confident-superior types. Little wonder that most of them blow the smoke upwards.
Once you start interpreting gestures, they'll spice up your writing if you sprinkle them in both fiction and factual writing, especially personality profiles. But, as in using alternatives to the word 'he said', use them sparingly - good writing rests on the process of selecting some details to express a point, mood, emotion or illustrate a character-trait. Then let the readers' imagination built the rest of the picture. Also analyse body language to your advantage during interviews. Recently I was interviewing someone who crossed his arms and clamped his knees together (a defensive posture). To melt his tension I used open gestures, such as palms facing upwards, and asked him questions that would fire his enthusiasm. It worked. Ten minutes later he spread his legs apart and his arms gestured liked a windmill in gale force wind. I knew I could ask him questions liberally then. Try it. It will work for you too.
Gesture interpretation can open a new dimension to your observations. In places where people interact, watching their gestures and deciphering them allows you to peer into their hearts and minds. That rare psychological insight you gain can lift a piece of writing to stand above the others. Writing is about people and the deeper you dig into a personality, the higher are your chances of success.
To illustrate a point about your characters' personality you can give them a habitual gesture that is a metaphor for their personality. This gesture adds drama to the story and readers predict what is going on through the character's mind when you make him use that gesture. Here is how I described a habitual gesture to hook the readers and characterise the world-famous lateral thinker Edward de Bono in a personality profile: Between sips of his tea during our discussion, Edward de Bono balances the teacup on his knee. He keeps it there until the chat comes to a close. Tilted on his knee, the cup symbolises his calm, one-sip-at-a-time personality, a rare virtue in a swallow-it-whole world. It reflects the balancing act he performs to impress us with his self-created recipe for a better world.
In writing fiction it helps to go into the motive behind your characters' actions. So when interpreting gestures also look for the psychological-motive behind the gestures. For example, according to Desmond Morris in his book Intimate Behaviour, smoking cigarettes is reminiscent to the security and relaxation we felt when we sucked our mother's nipple for milk. Like the nipple, cigarette butts are round, soft and warm - soothing our tensions and difficulties in making decisions. We drink coffee for the same reason. Is it a coincidence that many of us sip one coffee after the other as we tap words into our PC?
© Victor Paul Borg
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